Moth

Posted on 28 Jun 2017 under Journal/Life Updates

I do so much of my writing on days when it rains that it’s almost a bloody cliché. Seriously, how many of my posts start with descriptions of the rain outside the window, or on the windscreen of the car as I drive at snail’s pace on the way to home or office (yuck).

I don’t want to say that the weather is my muse, because that’s an oversimplification. I don’t know what my muse is, I just know that sometimes I have to write. And today is one of those days.

I’ve struggled with the words, because it’s been a while. I’ve struggled with the words because I don’t know how to say the things I think, I don’t even understand some of these thoughts I’m trying to convert from abstraction to tangibility.

Vaguely, I feel the formation of a metaphor, something about how I’m most alive when the darkness of black clouds darkens the world. I’ve mostly lived in the shadows, emerging for a few hours at a time to sing and dance for the world, and then I retreat again. I barely invite anyone into my cozy private corner where I can ruminate about my scars and imperfections, obsess over them without interruption and grow despondent in peace.

Yet, you’ve changed me. You’ve infiltrated my world, you’ve cast a different light on the way I see myself and everyone else, you’ve changed the way I do things. I’ve done things I’d never have done had it not been for you. And I began to let you in. And the more I let you in, the more I lowered my guard, the more I set myself up for the eventual pain and heartbreak that always comes. And it’s not because of you, it’s because of me. And I let you in anyway.

I let you in so much that you’ve permeated my existence. Everything I do, I weigh up to you and your approval. I compare my mistakes to your near-perfection. All you need to remind me of the burden of my insecurities is to exist. And it isn’t bloody fair. To you. But it’s what it is. And you shine brighter than anyone I’ve met before. The light of your flame changes the way I see the world. But I’m a moth, and I don’t know if I can fly around your fire any more.

 

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